Slow Day at the Office-ay...

Found myself in one of my most guiltiest, time-wastingest pleasures ever... reading dating tips culled from the sultry, sticky pages of Cosmopolitan.  Any advice from La Cosmo is pretty fucking ridic (stuff like "10 work accessories that make you seem serious!" and "How subtly infiltrate the entire existence of that dude you've been dating for three weeks!"), but the dating tips are especially hilarious.  They read more like an on-the-job manual for call girls.

These are "flirting tips" that are about as subtle as a Mac truck barrelling over you at 95 mph, speeding off a cliff, landing in a pre-school, and exploding into a fireball that will have your old Japanese neighbors hiding in the cellar for the rest of the weekend.  All apologies for unnecessary run-on sentences, but Jesus Christ, bear witness:

• Show him your sexy midsection and ask if you should get your belly button pierced. Or draw his attention to your leg or shoulder and find out what he thinks about your getting a tiny tattoo there.
• Pull out a copy of the Kama Sutra from your bag and say, "Would you be interested in joining my book club?"
• Proclaim that you're thinking about changing your name. Then say with a smile, "Do I strike you as more of a Sienna or a Bambi?"
• At a packed bar, coyly stick a bill in his hand or shirt pocket and ask if he'd mind ordering your drink.
• Give him a long once-over from head to toe, then bring your eyes back up to his. Smile ever so slightly to let him know you like what you see.
• At a café, dip your finger in your dessert, put it in your mouth and slowly pull it out while eyeing a hot guy.
• Tell him that you're an amateur palm reader. While you're peering at his hand, trace any creases and predict that there will be lots of passion in his future.
• Order an extra drink and offer it to a thirsty cutie nearby. Explain that the bartender gave you two cocktails and ask if he'd help you out so it won't go to waste.

I would think a combination of the tattoo one, the "Bambi" one, the Kama Sutra one, and the dessert-licking one would get any girl to where she wants to be at the end of the evening.  Which, I presume, is getting railed in the backseat of a mid-range sedan.  Or paid for her services.  Possibly both.